Me Equals Sunflower? February 28, 2008

I was doing this exercise from a book called The Path to help me make my life mission statement. The exercise goes like this:

Draw a word picture about yourself that is not an element. For example: I am a bridge… or, I am an eagle… or, I am a doormat. Describe the first image that springs to your mind, without editing its content.

So I quieted my mind and tried to visualize myself in terms of an object or place or something. The first thing that came to me was a sunflower, then the mountains and lastly, the seashore. I focused first on the sunflower since it was the first image that came to my mind. I thought and thought about how I was like the sunflower. But somehow I wasn’t able to make a connection.

Then yesterday, I hung out with my friend Meg. I asked her what does being a sunflower say about me. She said that I was one of those people who went with the flow or tried to keep up with the majority of the population or something along that train of thought. My boyfriend was at the opposite side of the room when she said that. I looked over and saw him nodding in agreement. That got me a bit down.

Today, what Meg said came back to me. Am I really like that? All my college life, I tried my best not to get caught up in social cliques and labels and being part of the “in crowd.” But suddenly, I just find that I’ve wasted everything I worked so hard for without me even knowing it?!
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the connection Meg made was actually right. And Steve agreed because there was one time that I told him that I kinda needed the approval of other people. He remembered and I forgot about that statement. Until today.

This was bound to happen. I mean, why did I allow myself to develop eating disorders even when I knew better? Why did I enjoy the attention those engineering boys gave me (they just liked the way I dressed and my attitude)? Why did I ever do things to perfection back then? I think this Denise that people see today has always been around. And it makes me sad to actually acknowledge that fact. I’ve been a total and complete fraud.

Boohoo.

But you know, something still makes me optimistic and happy. According to Wikipedia, sunflowers in the bud stage exhibit heliotropism. But when they finally start to bloom, they no longer follow the path of the sun and just stay, generally, in the eastward position.

Maybe I still haven’t reached my blooming stage. Hmmm…. I really haven’t, actually. I’m 20 years old but I still feel like I’m 17 or 18 in terms of being ready to face the “real world” after university. I haven’t established who I am and what I am meant to be doing in this world. I still have an identity crisis even when my adolescent stage has left me! I must be in big trouble. I’m supposed to be in the blooming stage but I’m still stuck in my budding stage! Oh crap.

So that sunflower image that I saw really had a lot to say about me. It’s kinda freaky but it’s still good to know. I’m a girl who is supposed to be blooming but somehow is finding herself stuck in the budding stage.

Now I am faced with the challenge to fertilize myself and help myself reach that blooming stage. I don’t want to hurry my growth but I also don’t want it to take too long. I’m missing out.

If You Run Away…. February 27, 2008

I was procrastinating so I made this for my boyfriend Steve:

I took this picture last year during his friend Thomas’ birthday.  It wasn’t a very good shot but I still didn’t want to discard it.  I’m so glad that I kept it because I was able to make this.  It’s very simple (edited with Paint) but I actually like it very much.  Compared to all the stuff I made with Photoshop before, this is the most sincere.

Denying My Life February 27, 2008

Hohum.

It’s been a crazy new year. When classes got back into full speed around the second week of January, I just didn’t do anything else but write for our thesis, study, make reports, not sleep, get sick and all the things you can associate with a burnt out, overstressed student.

That’s why there is absolutely nothing new in this blog.

I originally started this new blog to continue my streak of positivity which began around the last week of January.  But I just couldn’t bring myself to write something sad in this blog that began out of a burst of sunshine and happiness.  And so somehow, it ended up being empty and sad and lonely.

I wanted to be like Stargirl, you know?  Happy and optimistic about everything in life.  But then, despite all of my desires to be such a person, it just wouldn’t happen because of the circumstances in my life.  An annoying and unrelenting ex-boyfriend; a boyfriend who is still mad at his ex… and who is still scared to give himself wholly to somone; deadlines to beat; failing grades and so many other things to consider.

I know that it’s after the calm that the storm hits.  I believe that that’s exactly what happened to me. I mean, I was so happy and optimistic and problem-free for a few weeks. And them bam! Things change just like that. I somehow forgot that life is like that: ups and downs, highs and lows, joys and sorrows….

When I decided to redo my whole blog, I also made a promise to myself: to be honest.  I failed to do that because I denied all the bad things that actually happened in my life.

Obviously, that has to change somehow.