Meme Time = Boredom April 24, 2008

Got this from http://pluckymama.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/i-am/

i smell: the rain
i crave: some chocolate
i search: for that place where I belong
i wonder: if I will ever be okay–rid of this depression
i regret: lying to and about myself
i love: my sisters, then my parents, then my Steve
i ache: down in my lower back–darn bed!
i care: about the world
i always: want to be hugged by the people I value the most
i am not: content with who and what I have become–I know I can be better… I cannot and must not settle for mediocrity
i believe: that someday, everything will be okay
i dance: in my loneliness–and once in a musical play for all the world to see
i sing: to ease the pain
i cry: when I feel strong emotions
i don’t always: realize that I am a very lucky girl
i fight: my inner and true self
i write: letters to make me feel better
i win: at almost zero of the contests I’ve joined
i lose: sanity and happiness at the most crucial times
i never: someone to leave me ever again for the reason that I’m too sad
i confuse: myself a lot
i listen: to New Found Glory when I feel sad and they never fail to make me smile
i can usually be found: by myself, with my boyfriend, or with my family
i am scared: that I will never be able to love myself unconditionally
i need: something to focus on aside from myself and my problems
i am happy about: being with Steve and for being able to have a more productive week

Nicest Drunk I’ve Ever Known April 24, 2008

Last Saturday, my boyfriend Steve invited me to go karaoke-ing with his friends. I’ve been feeling a bit blue this past weeks so the moment we got there to the time we had to leave, I was singing my heart out like I’ve never had in front of people I barely have close ties to. I sang and fooled around and laughed even though somewhere deep inside my soul was still hurting. I deserve a reprieve from the sorrow, you know?

Now, Steve was a bit drunk when I decided that I had to go home. We sat in his car for a bit and talked. He started telling me all these sweet things that I’ve been wanting to hear for a long time. As previously mentioned, I’ve been a sourpuss to everyone for the past weeks. Including him. But though he was my boyfriend, I couldn’t tell him about the things that were going on in my mind and heart. Like how I was terribly depressed. Or how I cried over the smallest things. Or how getting up in the morning was a chore. And that I felt bad that I couldn’t tell him all those things.

But that night, he expressed how he wanted to be there for me and how he doesn’t want me to be sad anymore. He also told me that I shouldn’t feel like I couldn’t turn to him for anything. He said that he was worried about me and that he loves spending time with me, so I shouldn’t feel shy to ask for his company.

I know that he had a bit of beer and was drunk, but I was happy he told me all those things. He made me feel better. So much better that I felt like crying for joy.

That night reminded me of why I love him. And why I risked our wonderful friendship for this relationship with him. That night reminded me of why I continue to be with him despite everything that he isn’t or will never be.

Best of all, it reminded me that I’m not alone even though I feel like I am.