I.
I love my parents. I really do. They’ve been more than understanding regarding my ever changing moods. They’ve chosen not to abort me. They’ve never pressured me to be this over achiever even though it was a huge possibility that I could be one.
But sometimes, they can just be downright discouraging.
I know times are hard in the Philippines right now. And I also am well aware of our family’s financial situation (read: BROKE). But there are just days that I wish they could be more encouraging and proud of the things I can do.
II.
I’m rereading this book called “Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?” by Alan Downs. I’m on the chapter about gaining self-confidence and he talks about talent. I am aware of the fact that I have many talents but I feel like I will never ever be able to fully explore them. No one supports me enough… not even myself. And when someone does, there’s this bit of doubt. So yeah, no one supports me a hundred percent.
Boohoo.
III.
I want a job so I can help my parents with out financial problems. I even volunteered to stop going to school even if I’m just a semester away from graduating. But I’m totally scared about submitting a resume and going to interviews because they might see in my eyes the personal demons I keep trying to hide. I don’t think I’ll ever be going to work. I think I’ll just be a bum.
IV.
Recently, I’ve been crying and moping around a lot. I don’t like it but everything else feels like such a chore. Then yesterday, I went out with my boyfriend. And all I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to cry with someone hugging me. I wanted to cry and hear someone it’s all gonna be okay. I hate, hate, hate crying alone–which is what I’ve been doing a lot for the past several weeks.
I’m seriously considering about getting back on the meds and with my therapy. But a part of me doesn’t want to because that would mean I’m too weak to do the getting better by myself.
V.
I’m seriously wondering how many people will visit me during my wake. When I die. Which is an event I sometimes wish would happen soon. And fast. And not painful.
VI.
I think that I’m not ready for a big change in my life. The kind of change that needs me to be true to my inner self and requires me to follow my true path in life. Maybe because I don’t think my parents would want me to change and be this grown-up, connected and pulled together person. I think they still want me to be dependent on them.
VII.
I want to break free! From every label, role and expectation anyone (including myself) has dumped on me.
I just want to be me.
