I.
I love my parents. I really do. They’ve been more than understanding regarding my ever changing moods. They’ve chosen not to abort me. They’ve never pressured me to be this over achiever even though it was a huge possibility that I could be one.
But sometimes, they can just be downright discouraging.
I know times are hard in the Philippines right now. And I also am well aware of our family’s financial situation (read: BROKE). But there are just days that I wish they could be more encouraging and proud of the things I can do.
II.
I’m rereading this book called “Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?” by Alan Downs. I’m on the chapter about gaining self-confidence and he talks about talent. I am aware of the fact that I have many talents but I feel like I will never ever be able to fully explore them. No one supports me enough… not even myself. And when someone does, there’s this bit of doubt. So yeah, no one supports me a hundred percent.
Boohoo.
III.
I want a job so I can help my parents with out financial problems. I even volunteered to stop going to school even if I’m just a semester away from graduating. But I’m totally scared about submitting a resume and going to interviews because they might see in my eyes the personal demons I keep trying to hide. I don’t think I’ll ever be going to work. I think I’ll just be a bum.
IV.
Recently, I’ve been crying and moping around a lot. I don’t like it but everything else feels like such a chore. Then yesterday, I went out with my boyfriend. And all I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to cry with someone hugging me. I wanted to cry and hear someone it’s all gonna be okay. I hate, hate, hate crying alone–which is what I’ve been doing a lot for the past several weeks.
I’m seriously considering about getting back on the meds and with my therapy. But a part of me doesn’t want to because that would mean I’m too weak to do the getting better by myself.
V.
I’m seriously wondering how many people will visit me during my wake. When I die. Which is an event I sometimes wish would happen soon. And fast. And not painful.
VI.
I think that I’m not ready for a big change in my life. The kind of change that needs me to be true to my inner self and requires me to follow my true path in life. Maybe because I don’t think my parents would want me to change and be this grown-up, connected and pulled together person. I think they still want me to be dependent on them.
VII.
I want to break free! From every label, role and expectation anyone (including myself) has dumped on me.
I just want to be me.
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
- e.A. Poe
Okay. I may be an English major, but I cannot, for the life of me, analyze poems. Help me out, please?…=p
I went through a “stage” similar to what your describing in this blog post… and around the same time too… right before graduation. I think that, no matter how bad it seems at the moment, you need to realize that the future will be entirely different. You will meet new people and try new things all of which will boost your self-esteem. Chin up, things will get better. You’ll look back at this blog posting in 10 years and be like… wow I was a good writer when I was young.. AND things are totally different now.