I’ve always had this affinity with the darkness and silence of dawn.
I woke up around 3 am this morning with a full bladder and hellish cramps. I was cranky because I still wanted to sleep. But somehow I forced myself to wake up and use the bathroom. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. And thank goodness I didn’t. Once I quieted myself (in an attempt to sleep), I realized that for the first time in weeks, I did not feel sad or happy or numb or longing for something.
I was content.
The dawn has always been my time. I’ve always been my truest self during the hours when no one sees me. The cessation of rush and work from world reflects in the peace and contentment I find inside me. Everything seems to be easier during the dawn. I write freer. All the expectations seems to vanish. I don’t want anything but me and a writing medium. I’m just me at my truest, finest self.
Now that the dawn is breaking and the roosters are crowing (I know it’s a territorial thing rather than trying to wake people up), I find myself longing for things and returning to what I’m used to: complaining, whining, hurting, dying, dissatisfaction.
Maybe, just maybe, if I continue to spend time like this for myself, I’d be less depressed. Kinda like practicing to seamlessly incorporate my true self into a world full of expectations and roles. If I just keep this up, maybe my true self will slowly replace my facade.
Because I truly feel like what I’m meant to be: content with my life. Fully enjoying the present moment. Living every minute with a silent soul and a peaceful spirit.
(I’ll be up more often, I guess. I’ll keep this up for a month and see what happens. I’m also going to try meditating.)
I don’t think I’ll ever embrace the darkness, but I now understand it’s a part of who I am. It’s never easy, this climb to happiness, it gets exhausting sometimes, but it’s who I am. I accept that.
Yeah, I agree…. The climb to happiness can get exhausting. But I guess it’s worth everything. To be happy inside. To have true joy and inner peace.
HEY Denise!! Great writing, very unpretentious….hang in there
Ug visit my video log: http://www.youtube.com/posporomaker
A site full of less than a minute shitty shortfilms that many of my friends find insanely, uhm, brilliant*.
* The Answer, The Past ug ang Grin
AND PLEASE COMMENT PARA MA OPEN ANG UBAN YOUTUBE FEATURES, that if it’s not too much to ask:-)
Hola mi amiga del mundo (my friend of the world)!
I too had a one of those moments (when the world seems clearer). It tries to escape from me, but it should know better then to try to escape. Oh and meditating works miracles!!! I wish you the best of luck!
Anna:)