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by Marie Denise Cristobal

Love is a decision.
An act of will.
Nothing short of consciousness and awareness.
It’s an investment of time, money, emotions.
Of smiles and tears.
It’s an offering of hugs and kisses.
Sweet nothings and “I love yous.”

It’s when he holds my hand.
Kisses me.
Holds me close like no one else matters.

It’s the way his soap smells.
The way his hair curls when the day is hot.

It’s how texts me “I love you”
in the middle of night
and I only get to read it in the morning.
It’s how he makes me smile
when he sings.

It’s the way I feel safe whenever he’s around.
How I always want to be with him.
In body and spirit.
In dreams and in thought.

Love is what I feel for him.
Though he doesn’t know just how much.
Or how deep.
Or how true.

Love is wanting to be with him
for as long as I’ve got.

I’ve always had this affinity with the darkness and silence of dawn.

I woke up around 3 am this morning with a full bladder and hellish cramps. I was cranky because I still wanted to sleep. But somehow I forced myself to wake up and use the bathroom. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. And thank goodness I didn’t. Once I quieted myself (in an attempt to sleep), I realized that for the first time in weeks, I did not feel sad or happy or numb or longing for something.

I was content.

The dawn has always been my time. I’ve always been my truest self during the hours when no one sees me. The cessation of rush and work from world reflects in the peace and contentment I find inside me. Everything seems to be easier during the dawn. I write freer. All the expectations seems to vanish. I don’t want anything but me and a writing medium. I’m just me at my truest, finest self.

Now that the dawn is breaking and the roosters are crowing (I know it’s a territorial thing rather than trying to wake people up), I find myself longing for things and returning to what I’m used to: complaining, whining, hurting, dying, dissatisfaction.

Maybe, just maybe, if I continue to spend time like this for myself, I’d be less depressed. Kinda like practicing to seamlessly incorporate my true self into a world full of expectations and roles. If I just keep this up, maybe my true self will slowly replace my facade.

Because I truly feel like what I’m meant to be: content with my life. Fully enjoying the present moment. Living every minute with a silent soul and a peaceful spirit.

(I’ll be up more often, I guess. I’ll keep this up for a month and see what happens. I’m also going to try meditating.)

Today is International NO DIET Day!!!

May 6 is International NO DIET Day!!!

Ladies, women, girls, let’s celebrate our natural curves today and for the rest of our lives.

Related Links:

http://www.naafa.org/events/indd.html

http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_No_Diet_Day

There are still a whole range of sites that discuss this very important day. Just use your favorite search engine.

I just found out about this today but I guess it is never too late to start celebrating, right? Gotta start loving my body and my mind more.

Last night, a new reality show premiered on QTV-11, a local channel in the Philippines. It’s called The Debutante. The show’s tag line is “The search for the ultimate IT girl.” The search revolves around eighteen beautiful girls from different backgrounds with different goals and dreams.

It’s a cool concept for a show. But one thing irks me: all the girls are thin. Sure, they’re not stick thin but there are no plus-sized or voluptuous girls on the show. I don’t know why this is so. I don’t know if this was a conscious choice on the part of the producers and the judges but to the more discriminating viewer, there is something fishy going on.

However, there is one redeeming factor of the show. The criteria is 20% beauty and 80% other factors.

I’ve never been a fan of beauty pageants because I think it glorifies superficial beauty. And now that I’ve finally seen this show, I think it is one looooong, justified beauty pageant. It sends out an unconscious message that only thin girls can be IT girls, whatever an IT girl is. I am pretty sure that there are many girls in the Philippines who are double-digit sized and are as beautiful and as accomplished as the girls on the show.

Maybe this is just my insecure part talking, but I stand by what I know and believe.

I.

I love my parents. I really do. They’ve been more than understanding regarding my ever changing moods. They’ve chosen not to abort me. They’ve never pressured me to be this over achiever even though it was a huge possibility that I could be one.

But sometimes, they can just be downright discouraging.

I know times are hard in the Philippines right now. And I also am well aware of our family’s financial situation (read: BROKE). But there are just days that I wish they could be more encouraging and proud of the things I can do.

II.

I’m rereading this book called “Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?” by Alan Downs. I’m on the chapter about gaining self-confidence and he talks about talent. I am aware of the fact that I have many talents but I feel like I will never ever be able to fully explore them. No one supports me enough… not even myself. And when someone does, there’s this bit of doubt. So yeah, no one supports me a hundred percent.

Boohoo.

III.

I want a job so I can help my parents with out financial problems. I even volunteered to stop going to school even if I’m just a semester away from graduating. But I’m totally scared about submitting a resume and going to interviews because they might see in my eyes the personal demons I keep trying to hide. I don’t think I’ll ever be going to work. I think I’ll just be a bum.

IV.

Recently, I’ve been crying and moping around a lot. I don’t like it but everything else feels like such a chore. Then yesterday, I went out with my boyfriend. And all I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to cry with someone hugging me. I wanted to cry and hear someone it’s all gonna be okay. I hate, hate, hate crying alone–which is what I’ve been doing a lot for the past several weeks.

I’m seriously considering about getting back on the meds and with my therapy. But a part of me doesn’t want to because that would mean I’m too weak to do the getting better by myself.

V.

I’m seriously wondering how many people will visit me during my wake. When I die. Which is an event I sometimes wish would happen soon. And fast. And not painful.

VI.

I think that I’m not ready for a big change in my life. The kind of change that needs me to be true to my inner self and requires me to follow my true path in life. Maybe because I don’t think my parents would want me to change and be this grown-up, connected and pulled together person. I think they still want me to be dependent on them.

VII.

I want to break free! From every label, role and expectation anyone (including myself) has dumped on me.

I just want to be me.

I’ve been going accessory and jewelry crazy for quite some time now and in the process of making jewelry to sell, I also made some for myself. I have slightly weird tastes in these things but all I really try to do and be is to stay true to myself.

~*~

These are my assorted beads bracelet. I used some of my spare and old beads along with some of the ones I use in the jewelries I make. I love these because the sight of them makes me happy immediately. I specifically chose the beads because of the individual effects they have on me and my mood. They are strung together using elastic nylon.

This second bracelet is… very green! Hahaha! But really, it is very green. Because I absolutely adore the color! It is my second favorite color, next to black. Anyway, I usually wear this piece when I’m feeling extravagant, crazy or weird. It is made from glass beads, lampwork beads, and plastic flower and rice-shaped beads. I used a lobster lock on this one.

Guess what I used for this bracelet! I am so in love with this because I helped the planet when I made this. Guess! Guess!

My wackiness comes out in this bracelet. I haven’t seen much of this kind of bracelet here in my city. It’s not really recycling because I used new paper, but I’m close. I cut up magazines that no one reads here at home and made them into origami stars. I plan to make more of these bracelets.

I learned this simple beading pattern back in junior high school. I used coconut beads for this. Except for the big black bead–it’s a round stone bead.

~*~

Well, that’s it for now. Thank you for taking time to view my precious creations. I love arts and crafts and accessory making and I love sharing the things I’ve made to everyone!

Take care guys and girls!

Got this from http://pluckymama.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/i-am/

i smell: the rain
i crave: some chocolate
i search: for that place where I belong
i wonder: if I will ever be okay–rid of this depression
i regret: lying to and about myself
i love: my sisters, then my parents, then my Steve
i ache: down in my lower back–darn bed!
i care: about the world
i always: want to be hugged by the people I value the most
i am not: content with who and what I have become–I know I can be better… I cannot and must not settle for mediocrity
i believe: that someday, everything will be okay
i dance: in my loneliness–and once in a musical play for all the world to see
i sing: to ease the pain
i cry: when I feel strong emotions
i don’t always: realize that I am a very lucky girl
i fight: my inner and true self
i write: letters to make me feel better
i win: at almost zero of the contests I’ve joined
i lose: sanity and happiness at the most crucial times
i never: someone to leave me ever again for the reason that I’m too sad
i confuse: myself a lot
i listen: to New Found Glory when I feel sad and they never fail to make me smile
i can usually be found: by myself, with my boyfriend, or with my family
i am scared: that I will never be able to love myself unconditionally
i need: something to focus on aside from myself and my problems
i am happy about: being with Steve and for being able to have a more productive week

Last Saturday, my boyfriend Steve invited me to go karaoke-ing with his friends. I’ve been feeling a bit blue this past weeks so the moment we got there to the time we had to leave, I was singing my heart out like I’ve never had in front of people I barely have close ties to. I sang and fooled around and laughed even though somewhere deep inside my soul was still hurting. I deserve a reprieve from the sorrow, you know?

Now, Steve was a bit drunk when I decided that I had to go home. We sat in his car for a bit and talked. He started telling me all these sweet things that I’ve been wanting to hear for a long time. As previously mentioned, I’ve been a sourpuss to everyone for the past weeks. Including him. But though he was my boyfriend, I couldn’t tell him about the things that were going on in my mind and heart. Like how I was terribly depressed. Or how I cried over the smallest things. Or how getting up in the morning was a chore. And that I felt bad that I couldn’t tell him all those things.

But that night, he expressed how he wanted to be there for me and how he doesn’t want me to be sad anymore. He also told me that I shouldn’t feel like I couldn’t turn to him for anything. He said that he was worried about me and that he loves spending time with me, so I shouldn’t feel shy to ask for his company.

I know that he had a bit of beer and was drunk, but I was happy he told me all those things. He made me feel better. So much better that I felt like crying for joy.

That night reminded me of why I love him. And why I risked our wonderful friendship for this relationship with him. That night reminded me of why I continue to be with him despite everything that he isn’t or will never be.

Best of all, it reminded me that I’m not alone even though I feel like I am.

White butterfly
hanging on the leaf,
are you content
to watch me work?
Doesn’t the wind
bother you?
Doesn’t the mundaness
of my task bore you at all?
You’ve been watching me
for quite some time;
will you not let go?

Last week, while I was doing the laundry, a little white butterfly flew around the mess my family calls a garden, as if in search of a perfect spot to perch on. It landed on a leaf just in front of me and I stopped what I was doing for a little while just to watch it sit peacefully.

It’s been the second time that the same butterfly (or a similar looking creature) landed on the same leaf! I believe nothing that happens in this world is a coincidence. And I don’t think that me seeing that little white butterfly was a coincidence at all. It’s been sent to watch over me.

Angels do find us when we need them the most.